Inside the Book with My Big Brother Bobby author Rebecca Dauer

In December of 2013, My Big Brother Bobby was self published and released by new author, Rebecca Dauer , illustrated by AnnieZimanski.  I have known Rebecca since I was little, so I was eager to get a hand on a copy of her first children’s book.

My Big Brother Bobby isn’t your typical children’s book.  It is more like a communication bridge between parents, social workers, OTs, psychologists and children who are dealing with emotional issues within the home, specifically those living with siblings with angry outbursts.

After reading the story, sharing it with my children, watching and listening to their responses, I reached out to Rebecca to see if she would participate in a little Q and A session. 

OTMommy: When I read this story to my youngest son, he really related to the main character, the little girl.  My eldest related to Bobby, with embarrassment. The story hits close to home.  What was the inspiration of this story?

R.D: I had the idea to write a book since I was a little girl but never knew how to go about writing it. My inspiration was from the countless stories from friends and family who told me about a sibling, an uncle, or a mother with stories of a "monster". I searched for children's books on this topic and couldn't find any. I felt morally responsible to give siblings going through tough times a voice.

A few months ago, I was sitting on the subway on my way to work and the idea hit me and I started writing.  My goal is to help children that are so often unheard. My Big Brother Bobby provides an outlet for siblings to be heard and understood as well as for the parents to have a better understanding as to how their children might interpret experiences differently.

The book also provides a different perspective to the family member with the outburst. As a child you see, feel, and interpret emotions differently. It's important to see the experience from each child's point of view. The first person narrative provides perspective on what the child might go through during these times. As embarrassing as it might be to the child with the outburst, it is important for growth and understanding. The story came from the heart and I hope it is apparent throughout the book.

OTMommy: How did your family and friends feel about you writing this?

R.D.: My friends were extremely supportive and helped me every step of the way. The book wouldn't have been as great if it wasn't for them. I have a few friends and family members in the field who were able to give me advice on wording and calm down plan. There were a few people that were reluctant at first. But once I showed them the book, they were supportive and knew that I could help a lot of people with it.

OTMommy: I noticed this story is done in the first person.  What was the reason behind not naming the little girl?

R.D.: I wanted to let the reader be able to identify with the character and I felt that not naming her would give more power to the story.

OTMommy: I really love the bonus features that give children and adults a way to bridge a communication gap.  It was very emotional listening to my children answer them honestly.  What made you put in the discussion questions, calm down plan and the identifying feelings pages?

R.D.: My good friend, Jennifer Zimmer works with children with autism.  After she read the manuscript she suggested adding the calm down plan. It is a great addition to the book.

I added the identifying feelings and questions at the end of the book to help identify feelings and open up conversation to parents to what their kids might be holding in. If you provide the examples for children, they are more inclined to show and explain how they feel.

OTMommy: What do you hope others to gain from this book?

R.D.: I hope to reach as many children as possible. Send copies to schools, hospitals, and programs across the US. My hope is for children to relate to the characters and know that they are not alone and there are resources available to them. I hope this book provides an outlet for conversation and understanding for all parties involved (as tough as it might be).

OTMommy: Have you considered writing any more books?

R.D.: It was a lot of fun, start to finish. I enjoyed learning the process and working with so many talented people. I wouldn't have been able to do it without Amy Betz, the Editor and Annie Zimanski who's beautifully warm illustrations brought my words to life. I would definitely consider writing another book in the future.

My Big Brother Bobby is a wonderful resource for parents and those working with children to help kids communicate their feelings about being around someone with a “monster in their belly”.  It is available through Amazon for $8.99.  You can also visit http://www.mybigbrotherbobby.com to discover more about the author, Rebecca Dauer.

I am really thankful for my eReader....

I struggle with parenting.  I do.  

"I had this fantasy that my child and I would walk hand in hand across the park. Little did i know that when he got mad he would spit on me...." - a parent.

I try to be a good parent.  I try to be active with them.  But when I have days that I have been kicked, spat, hit, and screamed at.  I wonder what the hell has possessed my child? What the hell am I doing wrong? Just, What the Hell?????  And when those days happen, I tend to retreat and spend less time since so much energy was used to stay sane.

So after a day like that, instead of running to Barnes and Noble in tears like last time, I picked up my iPad and ordered another book by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, Kids, Parents and Power Struggles.  I needed to.  With the "success" of reading Raising the Spirited Child, providing me insight on temperament, mood, and other fine qualities of a spirited child, I hoped maybe she could help me.

And now into the third chapter, I laugh.  God, she gets it.   There are others out there who do the same thing.  But more importantly, it is NOT about the kid, it is about how I am reacting.  I need(ed) to start reflecting on how my sensitive child is picking up on my stresses and body language. 

I will let you know how it goes.  Thank god for instant gratification of a Nook program.

Halloween with my Spirited Child.... And I don't mean ghost

So our expectations of this year's Halloween were like the many before.  Our close friends would come over and we would trick or treat around the block, happily, with minimal issues.  But....

When you have a spirited child who is incredibly sensitive emotionally, what you think is the smallest and innocent detail will throw him into a friggin tizzy.  So last night when a family friend arrived with a child in a Captain America suit, Boog thought it was his little best friend.  In that moment, he was ecstatically happy.  But the following moment was met with despair and confusion as he learned it was not his dearest best buddy.  The disappointment overwhelmed his as he stomped away in tears, ripping off his mantis arms and wings.  He huddled himself in the corner of the door sobbing.

At this point, we urged the rest of the Halloween crew to go ahead.  I took Mudge while Kyle waited with UB and Boog to settle down.  My heart sank.  It reminded me of preschool graduation, his emotional up and downs.  So Mudge and I trotted off (reluctantly) and did two houses before calling Kyle to find out if they were on their way.

Mudge and I waited for Boog and Dad at that second house.  And that was as far as we got.  Boog, in all of his green buggy glory could not "get it into his head" that the other boy in the costume was not his friend.  His "mind just won't let it go."  Again sobbing, he "just wanted to go home".  So I passed the Bull Ant Mudge to Kyle, and walked back to the house with my sad little insect.  We spent the rest of the evening chilling out, watching a show, and reading books till he was able to "make [his] brain feel better."

So as excited he was up until that point of the night, it only takes one switch to change a spirited child's mood.  Sometimes you can prevent or decrease the length of time, and sometimes not.  Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.  As intensely as he loves and plays and learns, he also intensely responds.  I just fear when he eventually has his first girlfriend that breaks up with him.... Until then, we'll just keep supporting him as best we can.

Raising my spirited child Part 3 ....How Supernanny and other tactics worked

So after all of that, what did we do? A hell of a lot. 

First, I had to take care of myself. The stress of dealing with all the behaviors caused anxiety and insomnia. I am normally a pretty balanced person (shut up Kyle) but this threw me for a loop. So I talked to my doctor to get support and options to help me be the mom I wanted and needed to be. 

Then we looked at diet. We ate pretty healthily, but we took a hard look at our foods. We eliminated most food dyes and high fructose corn syrup and went organic as best we could. And let me tell you high fructose corn syrup is in EVERYTHING. But we found good and non-expensive options like Nature's Promise brand at Stop n Shop, Kashi, and Healthy Helpings at BJs.   Eventually we were able to be less aggressive with the corn syrup but not the food dyes; too much of those increased the likelihood of a meltdown. The other thing with diet was the importance of good snacks, scheduled during the day.  Just like me, Booger would become very cranky and hypersensitive when his blood sugar got low.  We even had the doctor give us a note for school to ensure he gets his snack to limit problems during the school day.

Play therapy gave us some options. We got a few referrals for play therapists but we also checked the play therapy association for certified therapists http://www.a4pt.org/. Called around to get the first impression and found someone who fit our needs. We started going biweekly, then weekly, then once a month to finally graduated from the service. Our therapist focused more on giving us strategies like the reverse timeout, me leaving the situation for the time allotted. Or the take five. Change the name of time out and help him deescalate with his own special tools and toys. Some of it worked, some of it didn't for us. But we were getting support.  

We also completed a neuropsychiatric work up but decided against the sensory evaluation since I had a good understanding and background, as well as the Neuropsych was covering it.  Side note- we were relieved to find out that there was nothing clinically wrong with Booger, though he did have some anxiety traits, and have super high non verbal learning skills.

We continued to read and educate ourselves. The Explosive Child by Ross Greene gave us some ideas (though not very helpful for our situation) and Magic 1,2,3 by Thomas Phelan, definitely more of what we needed.  But what gave us the best advice that worked was Supernanny http://jofrost.com/. We love Jo. We have never met her but she changed our lives for the better. The house rules, constant time out techniques.  Just the idea of taking the confrontation out of the time out. It was amazing. For a black and white kid the house rules gave him written expectations like no kicking, no hitting, use kind words. It was good for all of us. 


So why have I shared this with the world? Part of it is that I didn't think a year ago we would be at a point of retrospect, of how chaotic and out of control things were and how much better they are now.  Both the boys and us have greatly benefited from the techniques.  And we are generally a much happier family because of it.  The other reason to share was just to support those that may be going through similar things, that you are not crazy or a bad parent, just someone at wits end.  It's just nice to know you are not the only one.


http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice.aspx
FDA advisers want more study of food dye-ADHD link 

Raising my spirited child Part 2....Now what does this all mean...

So Booger is spirited. What the heck does that mean for us?  Well first let's look at the "traits".  According to Kurcinka, spirited children have 9 temperament traits. 

1. Intensity- how strongly a child emotionally reacts. For example , boog has powerful reactions and is labile at times, easily frustrated

2. Persistence- if the child is involved in something how easy is it for him to stop when told. He does not easily let go from an idea. Frequently he wakes up in the morning remembering exactly what was promised to him

3. Sensitivity- how aware he is of all the senses.  Tags, noises, smells, tastes, etc. He is quite good at finding his just right noise level and he is quite the picky eater

4. Perceptiveness- the ability to notice everything about everything. I read this part of the chapter and laughed out loud because earlier that day we got out of the car and the first he said was "wow mom look at that amazing rainbow in the oil puddle". 

5. Adaptability- how quickly he can deal with change. Why do you think I live my life with a timer? He needs to be aware of change before it happens. Don't mess with the routine or you'll be sorry. 

6. Regularity- eating sleeping and other bodily functions. 12 hours sleep. Can set your watch to when food goes in and out

7. Energy- quiet or active. Booger is both depending on mood

8. First reaction- what is the child's first reaction when asked to do something new? No!  

9. Mood- positive or not? Booger is analytical. Frequently he was very solemn. 

After seeing how "spirited" he was, I really had to take a look at my own personality and temperament traits to see if I was creating some of this head to head combat. And I have to say I can see some similarities and differences. I am definitely a negative first responder and pretty persistent.  Taking all this into consideration we became more aware of how to approach him. But we were still in the infancy of 'how'.

I don't want you to think we didn't seek medical help. Since the age of two we called the pediatrician at least twice a year about his behaviors and tantrums. And we got "oh that's normal boy behavior". Ummm when is it normal to have adults afraid to discipline a child because they fear his reaction? Or to have a four year old say he wanted to kill himself because he wasn't allowed to do something? Or beat the crap out of you just because you put him in time out?  I work in preschool. I see typical behavior. And I see not so typical behaviors. I think I can tell the difference. 

When you are asking for help and not getting anywhere it is frustrating.  So by June 2010 we basically told the doctor to give us a referral for play therapy. Then to give us a referral for a neuropsych evaluation to make sure we weren't missing something serious like bipolar disorder or asperger's.  The pedi also pushed for an OT evaluation for sensory integration related to some of his quirks. And to be honest the only reason I wanted to do it was to get tips for me at work.  As an OT myself I had a pretty good feel and access to materials to figure out what he needed but she pushed and pushed because he "covered his ears".  Once we got our referrals, we switched pediatricians. .When the pediatrician can't support the family when they have clearly asked for help, then frankly it is time to change (thank you Peter Brady). 

just fyi yes children on the spectrum will have sensory processing disorders but children with sensory processing disorders do not necessarily have autism  and not all kids who cover their ears have sensory processing disorders 

Raising my spirited child....(Part 1)

So it has been almost a year since we were at our wits end trying to figure out how to handle the almost 5 y.o. Booger.  By July 2010, he was having out of control rage episodes, screaming, hitting, kicking, 2 hours tantrums, refusing to do simple tasks, having breakdowns at daycare, to the point they were really sure what to do either.  But let's start from the beginning, and work our way back to now (this may take a few entries).

Booger was a typical pregnancy with the only real complication of insulin dependent Dia"becca".  We had level 2 ultrasounds and genetic counseling because of familial histories, and were told "you have a 20% chance of having a child with Down's Syndrome because his femur length is short." Really? Have you looked at my stature.   Anyways, he came out healthy.  And colicky.  Oh sweet lord could he scream.  It took us four months of complaining, switching from nursing to soy formulas to finally get him on reflux meds, which helped greatly.  In the mean time, for four months we spent our evenings from 5--9 pm jumping in the bathroom with the fan on.  Not just the screaming, but the full stomach dumps that he chose to do on me after every evening feed.  Awesome, I know.

He developed normally, walking by 11 months, talking later but within typical range.  We were blessed with having our close friend watch him when I returned to work.  And all was well.  He was a very smart and sensitive, but incredibly intense child.  That is really the best way to describe it.  You didn't want to poke the bear.  His fits were unreal.  But when he was good, he was gold.

Flash forward to when he entered preschool at the daycare at 3.  I was at this point working in the school system and just had the Mudget as well.  He had difficulty attending in group, refusing to participate in certain tasks, and difficulty with adult direction.  For the next year, we winced at the daily sheet, wondering if it would be another "tough" day.  I started pulling out my OT tricks.  Social stories with pictures, reward charts, sensory play.  You name it, we did it.  But his off days were getting worse.

By the summer of 2011, I had lost it.  I was starting to refuse to take the kids out, be around anyone but the closest family members, because frankly I didn't want to have to deal with the looks and stares of people when he lost it.  I had already been embarrassed as I had to carry him from the playground, kicking, hitting, and screaming at me, while a father asked if I needed help. I was mortified.  And after getting to work in absolute tears after a 45 minute battle for getting dressed, I went to Barnes and Noble.  And sat in the child psychology section.  And read the back of every book.  The Explosive Child. Nope.  The Bipolar Child.  Nope.  The schizophrenic child. Nope. The ODD child. nope.  Then I got to Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and almost burst into tears.  I actually started laughing.  And the lady around the corner must have thought I was nuts.  It was Booger, to the T.  It literally could have been a snap shot of our lives. "The word that distinguishes spirited children from other children is more.  They are normal children who are more intense, persistent, sensitive, perceptive and uncomfortable with change."  Holy Crap, I thought.  And felt some relief that I wasn't insane.

http://www.parentchildhelp.com/